The Triumph of a Heart That Gives All

9:36PM - SLEEEEEEDDGGEEEHAMMER

hahaha

oh my god.


so orion house last summer was nothing, compared to Beal house, two houses down.

dear god it was gross in there. that's what avoiding the inspectors for 3 yrs. will do.
I breathed in so much dust that my nose and boogers were black when I blew my nose!
I felt like I was working in a mine at times.

best part though, I got to use a sledgehammer and rip up this wooden shelving.
my god, who needs drugs?

destroying gives wayyy too fun of a high.

don't worry, I won't go nuts.


in other news, Zach is away for Fruckus touring this summer and Mike and I are dad and mom of FALCORPS now.
which means a show at EAST LANSING'S ZOMBIE DAY this Saturday. woo hoo.
brains.


lastly, poor I can't bear to leave little Teekl by himself at home for more than ten minutes without worrying or feeling like he's going to jump out or be really sad.

ARGH.
but he is way too cute when I come home and I feel better.
every morning he meows once, just before 7am, jumps on the bed and vigorously licks my face.
i love him so much.

10:52AM - weird. shit.

I had a hallucination/vision/freaky experience yesterday morning. I was feeling really heavy-hearted, and I looked in the mirror, and suddenly, I could see where all my wrinkles would be in the future. My eyes were huge and saggy; I had lines all over my face but especially around my eyes.

I blinked, took the towel off my head, and they were gone.
yeah, didn't really feel like going off to the writing center after that...
with the way the universe likes to say things... it wasn't exactly encouraging.





granted, I've been thinking a lot about wrinkles lately: I've been reading a really cool book about Beckett complete with awesome pictures of his craggy mug and his plays in production.
no one, and I mean no one had a forehead more knotted in the center than him.


whatever. check out the onion's article on meta-theatre.
I think it helped add some laugh lines to my future...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/oh_no_performers_coming_into

9:16PM - and everyone was right

alright universe, I get it. Bloomington is the place I should be.

so... it's really amazing there. the people, the people are so nice. it almost freaks one out.
the program is even better then I thought, and my advisor-to-be (as far as I know) is so grandfatherly I half expected him to slap me on the back when I made him laugh.

the prospective students... holy crap. I know it was only the first day, but competitive people are especially so in those first interactions, and well, we were all like, getting along! I think my favorite group of people not in my area were the medievalists, I can't wait to hang out with those guys :)

I met some really cool people in my area too, Beckett lovers and the like. and their auditorium is really cool.
I haven't even seen the other 5 or whatever it is that they have!


I'm one happy cat for what's ahead.
I just wish I could bring some folks along.
me and kate are going to take over that crazy town :)


weirdest thing about Bloomington: in an odd way, it reminded me of San Francisco.

5:00PM - it's like the wind started blowing and it's not going to stop.

I found out why I have such awful, nightmarish dreams all the time, like the one I had in SF where I was breaking glass into a person's skin to kill them out of batman-like justice (and I haven't even seen watchmen, haha), and all the while thinking that if I could just shove glass into their throat it would kill them...

ugh. it was awful. I've never had a waking thought like that.
apparently hypoglycemia is the culprit. it makes sense, the body trying to wake one up so that one will eat.
goddamn it, it doesn't seem likely but if I have children I hope they don't have this....

at first I thought it was the pokey stix I had last night.

that still doesn't explain other odd dreams... but whatever.
----

I almost cried yesterday at a very inopportune moment thinking about having Falcorps and Michael taken away in one fell swoop.
"you have a stability right now for a few years that people only dream of"

yeah? well maybe stability is somewhat terrifying, and extremely painful if it means losing so much.
at least when I float I make me float...he's right, I know that I should be (and I am, very) thankful.
it feels good to be patted on the back, so to speak, and told, we are proud of you, go do more.


but it's only a piece of what's important to me... and I don't know how to function without the other pieces.
I can always make do with what I have, that's something I know I'm good at.
but I haven't ever really lost like I stand to.

there are parts of me already so far away from myself that they only activate in certain places and with certain people, they never go away... but it hurts to feel their absence.
those parts ARE those people. and not. it's not exactly clear.
what's clear is the feeling of not being whole.



let's just say I'll definitely need a cat if I go into this alone.

11:02AM - the gods have spoken...

but has the universe?


So Indiana got back to me and somehow it worked. I got in and they have offered me a fellowship.
I was really surprised because they called me instead of sending a letter while I was in class, taking a quiz...


AAAAAAA!

this means I have to start doing stuff. and looking for a house... and.. and...
choices, planning, etc. oh I was getting so used to doing nothing and reading comic books :)


oh well.


I am really happy about it, though I feel dazed.
I sent an excitable acceptance email, and the lady was like, why don't you wait to get the official letter before you give an official acceptance? hahaha

6:49PM - this is february talking...

I grow bored and feel like a stagnant creator.

I feel relaxed, which is great, and new, but what sets in to counteract it is the fear that I'm becoming PERMANENTLY lazy and lacking in creativity, spark, and fun, instead of just enjoying some well-deserved time for myself playing video games, watching movies, getting an appropriate amount of sleep...

I do not want a pattern or a schedule for creative endeavors, I just wish I did them more, and better. they're kind of what it's all about... that and wonderful people and adventures...

I'm feeling like I'll soon be itching for adventure, San Francisco always helps.

yet I keep feeling that as soon as I hear back from grad schools about what someone else thinks about my future blah blah yeah yeah that I won't be able to feel relaxed ever again, and therefore, I really am glad to not know for quite a bit longer... and I dread hearing back.
the more I think about how much better I FEEL in someways, physically, for example, the less I want to go to grad school, the more I want to blaze a trail etc. etc. just enjoy my life in the little ways that are so big, with little goals along the way. I'll always have those.... that's what I'm like, what kind of person I am.

and then I watch the moths fly out of my wallet and think about how I haven't DONE anything or created anything (I have READ a bunch and enjoyed it immensely) and I start to feel bad


but maybe it's just time to be a sponge, to be open, to soak in things, even if those things are comix (wonderful ones), brownies, and video games...

besides, back to the moths, it's not as if I'll ever make any money anyway. that's never been important. but sometimes I get scared about the lack of it restraining me from adventuring....


time for falcorps practice :)

4:19PM - V-day oy vey

Neil Gaiman is a god among men, and he is responsible for a very lovely valentines day.

I was a good consumer and helped the economy this weekend, which has involved:
-sandman
-black orchid
-coraline
-lucifer
and will involve mirrormask


Coraline was wonderful btw, everyone should go see it.
driving back, I had a moment of rare and intense fear that I was growing up and that I was witnessing the death of my imagination, that it was hanging by a thread...

I also felt an extreme and powerful burst of affection and then felt like
I was afraid to die for the first time ever in my life...

then a huge pothole appeared out of nowhere and I swerved and almost DID die
and the next traffic light I saw was pink, I swear.

things seemed better after that :).


and now I am off to find sustenance, read Coraline, and watch lots more 21 JUMP STREET.


"jump."


it rekindled my old love for Johnny Depp right back :)


ALSO. something ridiculous.

did not read/study/go to class for any of the stuff on my psych test

got a 88. which is a 3.5

way to go common sense. I'm never going to that class again, even though I haven't gone since DAy 1.

I am such a bad girl nyuk nyuk



loooooooovvveee everyone.


PS: should falcorps play at hot topic?

y/n?

hahahahahahaha

3:19PM - Michigan, you frigid baetch...

I am looking for any distraction whatsoever.

I read and read and read and wait to get warm.

my dreams are disturbing, sensual, have allowed for some disturbing lucidity.
it seems I can only become lucid in certain types of dreams, and only when I'm dreaming night after night. weird, surreal images like a steak in a bed and the sudden, dreamknowledge that a steak in the bed means, well, you know.



I feel rather like I'm doing lots of things, but kind of waiting around, and it's just simply no fun when you're not around.

I hate it here
when you're gone



could probably actually go to psych class.. hmm... could do that.
don't want to.


also feel very poor. hopefully that will be remedied soon.
no, does not mean bank heist. i wish. watching take the money and run was funny, but way too close for comfort. darn you, woody allen.

CHALLENGE TO YOU, DEAR READER!

TOP TEN WAYS TO GET MONEY FOR LITTLE BESIDES SELLING YOUR BODY
GO!

10:56AM - I love these kids so much.

So the ISHALLers (the 7th and 8th graders I teach/tutor/whatever, 8th and 9th graders now! doing 10th grade english!)

put on their little scenes from Endgame today and discussed the play.

they were SO GOOD. I was laughing my ass off. I loved this play already, of course, but each new performance added layer after layer of deliciousness. the kids really got beckett and a lot of them really enjoyed it too!
one of them made Clov so menacing, it was really quite scary. lines like:
"If I don't kill that rat, he'll die"

really gave me the shivers.

it's another one of those beautiful, give-me-hope-about-the-world things.



it's funny how the more didactic plays gave them more trouble.
Death of a Salesman, say.

but that's a ridiculous play anyway :)

Something is taking it's course. it's all happening. :)


in other news, wouldn't it be fun if I could sing "Say that we're sweethearts again?" I will. someday :).
there are some pretty creepy youtube videos of harley fanatics out there.... singing that song. but i won't be like that.

in other news, augh being poor is stupid.
but can be offset by a delicious beef stew in one's crockpot.

:)

3:21PM - Oh Harley, you're such a babe.

my new favorite song :)






i have not been able to stop thinking about this song since I watched this.

1:42PM - a lovely evening

last night I saw a man wearing a top hat and listened to Jonas and company (aka The Djangobamas) playing hot club type music at the Irish pub.

they played my favorite: "I'll see you in my dreams"

and I met a woman who talked to me about music and festival opportunities
after an initial connection over my earrings, she looked at me and said, isn't it weird how sometimes you just meet people like this?

I said "you know, it happens to me all the time, and I wouldn't have it any other way"

she said to me, "me too! you just have to experience life and not shy down from things"

what a wonderful evening.


my only regret? having no one to dance to the music with :)

*heave sigh here*



oh me, oh life! it's all happening.

2:26PM - FINALLY!

a short note.

sometimes it is completely impossible not to rejoice in the loveliness of life, and the small things people do that just make everything better.

so...

1) my thr class is going to be amazing. lots of plays I havent read before, Beckett and Stoppard, even though the professor admitted to the class she hates Beckett (but oddly loves Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead!).
I found this last point mystifying, so I asked her after class...
"What if I really like Beckett?" she laughed and told me that was wonderful (she likes Shaw herself, who, I don't really care for at all, stuffiness). all she wants is lively discussion and she said she just personally wants something more accessible. I asked her about Beckett and R + G are Dead and why she liked that play but hated Beckett, and she laughed again and said, "I know. But I find it more accessible"

I think this will be a fun class, not to mention several people in Romeo and Juliet were in that class that I enjoyed spending time with :) ALSO, a girl that in my archeology class I argued with about Ra and ended up liking immensely when we discovered we were both right, and become friends, is in that class too.


2) my abnormal psych class won't be too bad, and most of the info is online or in a packet (YES!) we also get to take the best 3 scores out of four exams! I might even go, the professor seems cool too.


3) even though the landscape of Falcorps has sadly changed a bit, me and Zach finally finished two new songs we've been dying to play. PROGRESS! we have a big show on Wednesday, and I've been very excited about how much zach has been talking about recording again.

4) my new musical equipment makes me feel a lot more in control of sound and I feel like finally we'll never be without a microphone. I'm learning about how to deal with condenser mics and feeling very enriched.

5) yesterday I went to SBS to buy my coursepack. of course I had to check my bag, and when I went to retrieve it at the end, the BEAUTIFUL girl who was working the storage area asked me what I was there for and I said "Uh, to get my backpack?" she said "Really. you're kidding!" at first I thought she was being nasty and sarcastic, but I realized she was being silly. I said "You're a sarcastic one, are you having a bad day?" she laughed and said "No, it just kind of slipped out! You're a sweetheart, have a wonderful day!" I smiled the whole walk home!

6) I just deposited money in the bank. When the lovely teller woman noticed my green hat and sweatshirt, she gave me a green bag (one of those ones that Meijer sells for "greenness") just because! She asked me where the money was to go, I told her into the "GERMANY" account. She asked me if I was going, I told her no and the story of the account, and she said, "Well, why don't we change that right now, you don't want to have to look at that anymore" :)

7) I can't wait to meet with Diana and work on music stuff, I have lyrics and I can't wait to practice the covers. I've decided I love and am well-suited to "Pale Blue Eyes."

8) one of my favorite clients ever came back to me today and told me that she had gotten into the school she wanted to after we worked on her personal statement. I was so happy that she had gotten in, and she was really thankful. It made me feel great that I could help, even a little. She was such a sweet and engaging person I had confidence she would get in anyway.

9) I work with Lala, Abby, Noah, and Julia! HURRAY!

10) I'm getting lots of creative ideas I can't wait to expand on! I'm also reading a lot of really cool stuff (about to start "American Gods" finally! after finishing "American Splendor") which have encouraged me and given me a lot of ideas.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, I finally feel no stress. I feel busy busy busy and so excited about everything I feel exhausted at night, able to sleep! until someone yells outside of course :) but even that doesn't bother me.
I feel like I can take on any project and succeed (of course I have limits, but the feeling is such a drive!). I feel like I'm alive again and that this last semester will be the best yet at MSU. I am completely overjoyed to be here and to be apart of all of this stuff.


ohhhhhh it feels so AMAZING to just be here right now. it's all happening :) I am OVERFLOWING with love!

5:47PM - this is just to say...

I had a marvelous christmas. I just wish I could have seen two certain ladies more...
and another lady that's far away in Colorado.
all gone, all gone.


I hate the yahoo homepage. why why why do we care?


I am very disappointed in the new animal collective album. you may kill me now, but uh, I won't deny it.



I am so relaxed but buzzing and excited, trying to get fun done till the next one.



my dreams have been weird as usual, one of the funnier ones:

the morning I got food poisoning I drifted back into sleep, knowing that in a few minutes, my dad would come into my room, open the shades, and tell me that we had to go drop off my car to get fixed.
in my dream, my dad came into my room, and instead of pulling the shades, he decided to shake me violently to wake me, but I said, "No dad, wait! I'm going to *BLAUGGRHH*" and I puked all over him.
I woke up and laughed pretty hard, then ran to the bathroom.

it was very much like Uncle Jack in arrested development. you don't shake him.


I am very excited to get back to EL to see everyone I've missed and to start creating and playing. oh, and I guess I should work too, since I'm broke and all :).

my schedule is pretty amazing, Monday is the only day I work till 5! with the exception of ISHALL, I'm going to get home at 2 every day!

and that's if I decide to go to class muahahaha



back to relaxing.

2:56PM - dunn dun dun dun DUNNNNNNNN

doing a victory dance= taking a nap.

hmmm maybe a shower would be better....


nah! after all, what are green hats for?




the sun even came out.

maybe i'll be able to sleep now.... what's certain is that FUN starts today.



operation take a huge dump in the international adult conspiracy's mouth
is a GO!


muaaahhh i'm goinnnng to seeee my california lady :)


I can has everlasting caturday!

12:32PM - Not to ruin your just had christmas but....

Harold Pinter died!


I came downstairs sadly to tell everyone but they didn't know who I was talking about :(. sadface.

oh well, ashes to ashes...




in other news I'm being haunted by these:

"And now my fur has turned to skin
And I've been quickly ushered in
To a world that, I confess, I do not know
But I still dream of running careless through the snow..."


and... I am very happy to say, i am now very ready for this new year of fun and music.
one more session and I am sending this baetch in the mail.
and I will be done.

!!!

and with my new equipment... falcorps and (other bandname of the week) TigerFang Choir
and of course me are going to be happy and ready to make the musics!


melatonin is crazy. I took some yesterday and... well, it was like nyquil, exactly like it.
all of a sudden I got dizzy and felt like rocks were weighing in my blood
and then I stumbled into bed and lay there, unable to sleep as usual, but feeling drugged as the day is long.

time to shower... I is a slimy cougar

12:43AM - can I breathe yet?

so close it hurts! yes cooper, I know, that's what she said :).



seriously.... 5 lines away from having a full 15th page.

dilemma=

-mess with character spacing just one notch and have it spill over the 15th page, splitting my beautiful last sentence in two but making it longer?

-leaving it the way it is, and hoping when they say 15-20 pages that 15 minus 5 lines is enough?


in other news, wisconsin's app bit me in the butt again:

dear natalie
we do not have your GRE subject score
your transcript
your personal statement
which institution you will be getting a degree from

or your writing sample

...

i sent in all of these things. all of them. early.
w....t....f!


i have seriously had it with their auto reponses. i have no idea what they actually have and don't have, except my writing sample, cause it's not sent yet.


lastly, I went sledding. it was good, but I think one ass is lopsided or one cheek is bigger; i kept sliding to one side and gravitating towards people who were climbing up the hill.

2:53PM - the last and final freakout, if this can be solved... then i am free.

so effing close to send-out time, and I still have no idea how to make 14 and a line on 15 pages to 15 whole pages. THAT IS ALL THERE IS LEFT (i hope).
I can edit, tighten, and revise my ass off like I have been.... but I cannot figure out how to make this baby one page longer to fit the requirements.




and the helpers (I do not blame them, it is almost christmas!) do not reply or say, I cannot help now, you understand.


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




kelp.

3:24PM - javascript:void(0);

11 PAGES! if I could just get to 15!




I think I'll take a shower and hopefully, when I get back, Esteban will have finished my writing sample for me.
;)




psst.... I'll give you pepperoni if you do!

5:40PM - Merry Christmas, Noelle ;)

12:56PM - meow, fine meow.

everything is cool now.



just the writing sample left then, for realllllz.


and I'm feeling pretty good about that. it's one big hefty paper.

yet... it's the only familiar part of the application :).








i can smell freedom, it's right around the corner...

i am totally bursting with energy to create, sing, love, whatever.
now if I can just temporarily direct it towards this paper... I will be fine